The Fundamentals of Feedback

We’ve all heard the adage “feedback is a gift.” While most nonprofit leaders would agree, providing constructive feedback is a skill not all managers have mastered. Many managers are so uncomfortable giving feedback, that they avoid difficult conversations altogether. And receiving constructive feedback gracefully is another skill set altogether. 

But studies show that high performing individuals crave feedback- especially those in the Millennial and Gen Z Generations. In order to develop and retain that talent, and compete in the war for talent, we have to create a culture of feedback within our organizations. This means teaching our staff how to give - and receive - feedback effectively. We have to equip our employees with the tools to navigate these difficult conversations instead of avoid them. In this post, we will explore the do’s and don’ts for giving and receiving feedback and how you can support a culture of feedback within your organization. 

Listening

Listen with your whole self. Giving and receiving feedback requires listening. Fully present listening. In order to give and receive feedback, you must focus your attention and eliminate distractions. No phones, no emails, no multitasking. Demonstrate you are actively listening through eye contact and posture. Lean in to feedback. If you care enough about someone to give them feedback, or to ask someone for feedback, they deserve your full attention. 

Challenge and support. Effective listening requires finding the balance between helping and challenging someone. Feedback is designed for growth, but we have to create a safe space for someone to grow. We should push beyond the comfort zone, but not so far that we cross the boundary into defensive mode/ the danger zone. Empathy is critical to delivering feedback. Feedback should be an interactive process - bounce ideas off of each other and problem solve together. When you’re receiving feedback, you also need to ask questions. Don’t just absorb feedback at face value. Confirm your understanding and ask for clarity if you don’t understand. “So what I’m hearing you say is.. Did I get that right?” Whether giving or receiving feedback, find the balance between being the rubber and the glue.

Ask if someone is ready for feedback. Constructive feedback can be difficult to receive. Asking if someone is ready or able to receive feedback is a great way to open the dialogue and ensure they can be receptive to the feedback you want to share. You can ask, “Can I share some feedback with you?” or “Are you open to a suggestion?” or “Can I make an observation?” This sets the tone that you are respectful of their feelings and want to be their partner in the feedback experience. If you are on the receiving end of one of these questions, remember that you should answer honestly. If you aren’t in the right mental space to receive feedback, you need to say so in order to preserve the relationship. Try responding with, “Yes, but could we connect about that later? I want to give your feedback the attention it deserves and I can’t do that right now.” 

Compassionate Directness

Acknowledge the difficulty. If you’ve just delivered feedback that may be challenging to hear, give the recipient time and space to process. You need to be on the lookout for signs the recipient might be struggling - they might respond defensively, emotionally, or even appear to shut down. If this happens, acknowledge the difficulty and suggest a break. “I can see this is difficult for you. Would you like to take a break?” or “I know this may be difficult to hear. Let’s take some time to regroup and come back to this later.” Revisit the feedback when they have had some time to process and prepare themselves to respond in a more productive way.

Be direct. If you are delivering difficult feedback, don’t beat around the bush. Starting the conversation is often the hardest part of giving feedback. Many managers are afraid their feedback will elicit a negative response, so they avoid the topic or try to ease into it by discussing other things first, but this dilutes the importance of your message. You need to get to the point quickly. If you are nervous about starting the conversation, try saying, “This might be difficult to hear, but I want to share some feedback with you.” Be direct, but be respectful. Remember that while empathy is key to delivering effective feedback, it doesn’t come at the expense of honesty. Compassion and directness are two sides of the same side of the coin. 

The “and” sandwich. We all know the value of the compliment sandwich. It’s easier to deliver criticism between or after a compliment. But is it easier to receive feedback that way? The compliment sandwich structure can trigger a defensive response because the feedback recipient is waiting for the “but.” They know it's coming and put up a defense mechanism. They might not even be able to process the compliment because they are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Try getting to the point faster and delivering your critique directly. If you need to utilize the sandwich format, try an open-faced sandwich instead. Only deliver two pieces of feedback and link them with “and” instead of “but.” This will sound like, “I liked that you did X and I wish you had done Y” or “You are great at X and I would like you to work on Y.” The open-faced “and” sandwich will keep you and the employee on the same page and help deliver your feedback more clearly. 

Impact Matters More Than Intention

You’re on the same side. We’ve all delivered feedback that hasn’t achieved the desired results. In fact, this is one of the primary reasons managers avoid giving feedback. No matter how well intentioned, feedback can have unintended negative consequences - it can cause employees to disengage or be defensive, it can discourage or even alienate team members. When we frame feedback in a way that emphasizes the mutual benefit, we ensure the impact is positive. Both the giver and the receiver of feedback need to assume the best intentions of the other. Remember that you are on the same side. This might sound like, “I know you want to succeed. How can I support you?” or “I can see you are trying to help me. I would like to figure this out together.” The important thing to remember is that the relationship, the dialogue feedback creates, has a more lasting impact than the original intentions. 

Feedback is not a debate. Feedback is the act of sharing one's honest perception with another. This means that feedback is subjective by nature. You cannot argue the way others perceive you. But feedback should also be interactive. So how do you make sure the conversation is a dialogue and not a debate? The first step is recognizing the difference between someone who is defensive and someone who is defending their position. Defensive feedback recipients may respond by deflecting or blaming others. They might try to attack or undermine your position. Defensive behavior needs to be acknowledged and shut down quickly. Disengage in any debate. This might sound like, “Thank you for sharing that. I want to focus on you right now.” Or, “I’m sorry you feel that way. Let’s come back to that after we’ve addressed XYZ.” A defending response sounds different and should be addressed differently. You might hear someone give reasons for the way they responded or background information used to justify a decision they made. Respond to defending by asking questions that encourage the dialogue of feedback. You can ask, “Are there any other perspectives or information you could have considered? Is there anything you would do differently next time?” Distinguishing between defending and defensiveness helps negate any debate of feedback and bring the conversation back to a positive impact and outcome. 

In order to create a culture of feedback, we have to model Feedback as Caring. We need to explore why we give feedback - Is it for your peace of mind? The recipient’s benefit? The benefit of others they work with? All three? How can you deliver your message in a way the receiver will truly hear it? Who is the best person to deliver this message? What is the right amount of context to set? We have to remember to tailor our feedback in order for the message to land. Tailoring the message means we care and we give feedback because we care about those that we work with. We should strive for a culture in which employees are not afraid of difficult conversations, approach each other with compassion and respect, and ask for feedback because they crave the honesty of their teammates. We must keep that central to our core beliefs in order to improve culture and help the organization build collaboratively toward a better future.